Week 5 | Sit: From Shame to Solitude

As Jesus transitions from talking about anger and control, He begins the next part of the Sermon (Matthew 6:1) with the word “beware.” Pay attention. Consider. Again, Jesus invites us to look at our hearts and not our outward actions, but the inward heart motivation that Jesus’ brings to our awareness. Specifically, He addresses the second area of temptation from the wilderness: shame. 

Just as there are ways that anger functions in a healthy way in our lives, shame also has a healthy expression. Brene Brown contrasts the healthy versus the unhealthy expression as guilt versus shame: “Guilt says, ‘I did something bad.’ Shame says, ‘I am bad.’” With guilt, we acknowledge our sin and seek to repair but does not attack our identity. Brown goes on to suggest that unhealthy “shame is the intensely painful feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging.” Guilt is temporary so that repentance and repair can occur, but shame tends to be a persistent belief that we are fundamentally flawed and bad.

We have a God-designed need to be seen and known. This need can morph into a disordered desire to be celebrated. This is what Jesus invites us to consider. In Matthew 6, He gave several examples of ways that we may engage in spiritual practices (giving, prayer, fasting) “in order to be seen by others.” This phrase, “to be seen by others,” is intense because it is repeated four times in this part of the sermon.

One of the results of shame is defining ourselves by what others think of us. Shame causes us to see ourselves as rotten, wretched and unworthy, so we look outside of ourselves for the love and approval we need. This can lead us to over-performance, perfectionism, and people-pleasing. Or it can lead us to withdrawal, self-condemnation, and depression.

As followers of Jesus, we may been taught that we are wretched sinners with a caveat that God still loves us. Because of this, we often are not able to access our belovedness. Sin and sinfulness are biblical concepts, but they are often over-emphasized and made central to human identity. This may lead us into an unhealthy sense of shame rather than a holy sense of guilt. 

Our core identity (think Genesis 1-2) is that we were made in the image of God. We are loved and lovable. Because we may have received toxic teaching and been in families of origin where belovedness was not at the center of identity, we may see God’s love as conditional: If I do the right things and say the right things, I can feel good about myself. Additionally, we may use spiritual practices to give us a (false) sense of love and acceptance. 

M. Robert Mulholand, in Invitation to a Journey, suggested that this “religious false self is perhaps the most insidious form of the false self because it can use all the right religious behaviors and language while remaining untouched by genuine transformation.” Jesus challenges us to be aware of this in our lives.

How do you see shame at work in your life? Are there ways in which you feel fundamentally flawed or that you do not belong? Do you see habitual patterns of people-pleasing or self-condemnation?

We may look outward to cover our shame or we may wallow in our shame, but the invitation is the same. Notice the dynamics that Jesus shares in Matthew 6:2-4:

Thus, when you give to the needy, sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be praised by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.

• We tend to try to find our worth and value outside of ourselves. 
• When we do this, we may receive that “reward” but we miss out on the experience of being seen (living in the gaze of God).
• We are invited to step into the secret place and experience the reward of being seen as the beloved of God.

Over and over, the phrase, “your Father who sees/knows” is repeated by Jesus (6:4, 6, 8, 18). Our Father sees. He knows. Accessing our belovedness begins here.

When we try to find our belovedness outside of God’s gaze, we are never fully satisfied. We stay in an endless cycle needing to do more to provide the little bit of satisfaction we so desperately want. The spiritual practice of solitude places us in that secret place. Jesus expands on this with the invitation to go to the inner room of our heart for prayer. Our need to be seen is met by His gaze, and we must be by ourselves to experience it. It can be difficult to let go of the voices that tell us we’re fundamentally flawed, but letting go happens as we return again and again to the gaze of God.

Sit alone and quietly in His gaze. Ask the Father to help you let go of the other voices and ask Him for the awareness of His voice that says, “I see you. I know you.” 

Prayer: Lord, help me. I want to live in Your gaze and hear Your voice. May I let go of defining myself by what others think. May I rest in being Your beloved. Amen.