Week 5 | Sit: From Shame to Solitude

Releasing shame is not a “Do it once and you’re done” exercise. That might sound discouraging, but if our goal is to experience our belovedness, it might not be a bad thing. When we are aware of and then release our shame, we are drawn into a deeper intimacy with our Lord. This is what we desire – to know that we are seen and beloved – not to get rid of shame.

When our focus is to get rid of shame, we may find ourselves stuck in a cycle of feeling shame about our shame. Or we may find ourselves powerless to do much about it. When our focus is to live in the gaze of God where we are His beloved, we move into an ever-deepening experience of freedom. 

Remember that shame is the overpowering feeling that we are not worthy and do not belong. As a result, we believe that we have to perform in certain ways to be loved. Or, we may simply hide, not letting people see the real us or becoming a wallflower so that no one sees us at all. These “shame-based” actions are often deeply habituated responses that we have cultivated with years of practice. These habits do not change easily or quickly in most cases.

We wouldn’t engage in shame if there were not some pay off. Jesus recognizes this when He says, “…they have received their reward” in response to us doing our good works to be seen by others (Matthew 6:2, 5, 16). It usually feels good on some level to indulge our shame, because our behaviors are designed to alleviate or satisfy shame. However, the promise never meets the reality, and we are left more dissatisfied than before.

In Psalm 78, the people of God complained that God was not taking care of them and the text says, “They tested God in their heart by demanding the food they craved” (v 18). The word “craved” speaks of a disordered desire much like we can crave the applause of others. God, as He often does, gave them what they wanted. Then, the psalm goes on to say that while the food was still in their mouths, their craving was not satisfied (v 30). Our disordered desires are never satisfied and they never go away. 

Scottish theologian and pastor Thomas Chalmers (early 1800s) taught extensively about desire, the heart, and transformation. He famously said, “Seldom do any of our tastes disappear by mere process of natural extinction. They must be overpowered by another,” as well as, “The only way to dispossess the heart of an old affection is by the expulsive power of a new one.”

As we sit in the gaze of God, in solitude, our hearts are drawn to this new affection. Our affection for God – our love for Him – expands as we receive His love for us. This is why the Apostle John wrote, “We love because He first loved us” (1 John 4:19). Releasing shame happens as we quietly pray in the inner room of solitude. Again, this invitation to solitude comes right in the middle of Jesus’ discussion of shame in Matthew 6.

Nowhere else is this more brilliantly displayed than in Jesus’ interaction with the woman at the well in John 4. With a history of multiple husbands, lo stthrough either divorce or death, she had experienced a painful life. Now living with a man who was not her husband, it is likely that she felt invisible. And then, something happened – something changed. After Jesus asked for water, He declared:

Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life. John 4:13–14

The promise of eternal water satisfying her thirst caught her attention. She asked for this water, and Jesus began to connect with her and love her right where she was. There is a lot we do not know about her specific situation, but we do know that she did not feel seen. After her encounter with Jesus, the phrase that is repeated in the story is “He told me all I ever did” (John 4:29, 39). In this connection with Jesus, she was seen. When we are seen with His love, it leads to this kind of joyful proclamation.

The release of shame happens as we grab hold of something else – as we hold on to the gaze of God. In 2 Corinthians 4:5-6, notice the shift from proclaiming ourselves to proclaiming Jesus and the result of His light shining in us:

For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus’ sake. For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.

Our hearts become full as we look at the smile on Jesus’ face. In this moment, use your imagination to experience His smile. See the smile of Jesus as you sit together with Him in the gaze of God.

Prayer: Lord, in Your great mercy, help me to release my shame as I gaze at Your glorious love for me. Amen