Week 5 | Sit: From Shame to Solitude

Shame causes us to feel that we do not measure up and/or do not belong. Part of the temptation of shame is to make everything about us. Comparison, competition, and complaint may become our companions as we seek to take away the pain on our own. Living in the gaze of God’s love frees us as our belovedness becomes our core identity.

Rather than leading to a navel-gazing, self-consumed posture, we are led into a space where we are free to love. When we are grounded in our belovedness, we are selfless, not selfish. In His love, there is nothing to prove or perform or protect; we are free to not think about ourselves much at all, but to love God (returning His gaze) and love others (seeing them in His gaze). 

In perhaps the most mystical of Paul’s letters (2 Corinthians), Paul defends attacks against his character by sharing what is in his heart:

For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised (2 Corinthians 5:14–15).

Living in love for God and our neighbor is the fruit of sitting in His gaze of love. Thomas Keating expressed it brilliantly: 

Interior silence is the perfect seed bed for divine love to take root. In the Gospel the Lord speaks about a mustard seed as a symbol of divine love. It is the smallest of all seeds, but it has an enormous capacity for growth. Divine love has the power to grow and transform us. The purpose of contemplative prayer is to facilitate the process of inner transformation.

This is the fruit that grows, but it is not our goal. Our focus is to be present to His love. In solitude without words, all our normal props are stripped away and we are left in a place of vulnerability, open to His love. Loving us and shaping us (i.e., transforming us) is His work, not ours. In Matthew 6, Jesus critiqued the “Gentiles” who “think they will be heard for their many words” (v 7). Words are often used to control and guide a conversation or relationship. Jesus assured that “your Father knows what you need before you ask Him” (v 8). This means that we do not have to perform a certain way or say magic words to get God’s attention. In effect, Jesus declared boldly, “You have your Father’s attention. You can trust Him. He is with you as you turn your heart to Him.”

As we engage in solitude, we are often tempted to ask, What am I getting out of this? Or, Am I getting anything out of this? As those questions arise, remember that learning to be the beloved is rooted in not needing something to happen, because it has already happened. He is already with us and loving us. We do not need to do anything to get His attention. 

We frequently retain old ideas about being loved and may transfer them into our relationship with God. Perhaps, we think I’m beloved if _____, I’m beloved when _____, I’m beloved because _____, or I’m beloved in spite of  _____. Each of these are shame-based responses. Is there one or more of these responses that you are being invited to release? Sitting in His gaze leads us to a place of knowing that I’m beloved. Notice the period. There is no qualifier. We are beloved, period.

As we sit in the silence of solitude, we begin to notice over time that God is smiling at us … that He is not pushing us or demanding something from us … that He is pleased with us because we are His child and His beloved. Period. We enter the solitude with God more deeply as we know these realities in our depths. Often, it is here that we find ourselves praying “forgive us our sins, O Lord, as we forgive those who have sinned against us.” Engaging our belovedeness leads us into seeking forgiveness and extending forgiveness. 

We see these fruits grow as we return His gaze. In our belovedness, we experience that mutuality of God’s gaze. I’m looking at Him, and He’s looking at me. Our shared awareness becomes the place of contemplation. His contemplation of me is my contemplation of Him. In the words of 1 John 4:19, “We love because he first loved us.” In solitude, we wait and let His love take root more and more over time. 

Today, simply sit in solitude, not with many words, just present to God’s gaze. Sit with the question: God, how are You loving me right now? Sit, notice, listen, allow God to bring the answer to Your awareness. As you notice His gaze of love, begin to gaze at Him. With the eyes of your heart, what do you see? Respond with a simple prayer that expresses what you see.

Prayer: Lord, give me eyes to see You throughout the day. Help me see Your love and presence with me in the moments of this day. Amen.